Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in virgil_urguide's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
1:38 pm	Dalla Città Eterna... Im back in Europe, and it feels great to be back. I dont know, whenever im back in Italy the smell feels...right. I dont know, perhaps in a past life I had some direct connection, im not sure. I sometimes think that in a past life i was a fascist and thats why i love germany, lol. Maybe my karma brought me back as a dark-featured gay in order to humble me and to show me different perspective, who knows. Everytime i come here, i like to go to the tourist sights, even though I have seen them a million times, i get a different experience everytime i go. When i went to St. Peters this time, I nearly fainted from fright. I never noticed, but St. Peters is extremely intimidating. The piazza is enormous and so is the dome itself. I tried to imagine what it wouldve been like for someone to visit the vatican who came from some small village in germany 500 years ago. It would be a sight that would scare the hell out of me. I tried to think about the people who have gone against the catholic church, someone like Martin Luther. Geez, going against the catholic church would be like going against the United States or something. The enormous might and wealth is frightening. I couldnt do anything but just stand there frozen like the many statues around me. Ok, it is SOOOO hard for me to concentrate right now. There are these really loud Dutch people talking next to me right now and i want to smack them; im trying to express myself right now. Ive met this really hot polish girl. She and i have been hanging out a lot. Its too bad i dont swing that way, otherwise i think i would make a move on her. I think shes wondering why i havent done it (i havent told her my sexual orientation, nor do i plan to), but maybe shes already figured it out. Who knows... She and i are going out to a disco tonight. I havent been intoxicated since ive been in europe. I hope tonight will change. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
12:25 am	GOODBYE!! Farewell, United States. I shall see you again in 6 months. Auf Wiedersehen! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
5:49 pm	I am such a trouble maker Although I am a trouble maker, nothing I do isn't without merit. The first issue was that since i'm going abroad, I wanted to have my account frozen with 24hr fitness. Before my account was charged for the month of mid January/ Early February, I went over to 24hr and asked my account to be frozen. I provided this woman with the information and i left. A few days later, I noticed my account was charged anyway. I called the 800 number and they told me to go in person to the club i went to. I went back to the club on Balboa Ave, and the same woman whom i talked with earlier noticed me. "I told you earlier, we need more notice so that we don't bill your account. There's nothing we can do. Sorry!" That woman was a bitch. I was angry and demanded to speak to a manager. She told me to come back Sunday in between 8-5 and a manager would help me. I went back on Sunday and that same bitch was there. "You're not listening to me, you can't get your money back!" "I don't really care. I want some kinda credit for paying for a month of gym access that I won't use." "There's nothing we can do! Sorry." "In that case, I can't deal with this anymore. I'm going to cancel my account." At that point, that stupid bitch changed her tone. "Well, fine. If you want to speak to a manager, you can call Vesna tomorrow. She's the operations manager. Here is the number" The next day, I called Vesna... "Hello Adrian, i'm sorry, but our computers are down for the day. I will definitely call you tomorrow before noon, I promise." The next day came, she didn't call. So, I called her back. "Hello again, Adrian. I am sorry, but i'm really busy right now. I will call you back in no later than an hour. I promise." An hour came and went. She never called. I decided to call her back. "I actually am still busy, but let's just get you squared away. You wanted to freeze your account? Actually, Adrian, there is no record of your account being frozen at all." As you're probably saying, i said...WHAT!!!?? To make a long story short, they couldn't freeze my account because of going to school abroad. The best they could do was freeze my account where i'd still pay $7, but I would get my refund for that month. Meaning, i'd pay $50 for a gym I was never using. To me, that wasn't good enough. My step dad helped me out and we called corporate. We complained so much, and in the end, after being the total gadfly i am, I got my refund and got my account frozen until i come back from abroad. In this world, the fighters are the only ones that win... (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
2:27 am	So ends my last Saturday night in the USA I won't be back in the USA for many, many months, and i just spent my last saturday night out. I went out with Humberto, a guy whom i met last summer online. I hadn't spoken to him since then, but since i ran into him at Flicks a few days ago, we've re-kindled our friendship. He cajoled me to go out to Numbers, but I was hesitant; I didn't think I would have a very good time. To my surprise, however, I had a very good time. I think this night is a worthy end to my stay in the USA. I was able to speak with Matt for a while *a guy whom i like a lot*, but despite my desire to shag him, i've restrained. I've decided that I can't hookup anymore. I think that sexual relations outside of a committed relationship can be very dangerous in many ways, and i've decided that I will fully no longer do that anymore. I'd love to be with Matt in some shape or form, but just like pilots must ignore their senses when they are flying in vertigo conditions, I must do the same. I know that my senses are wrong and I must rely on my instrumentation. I know that it's best if i keep the relationship completely platonic. Messing around with guys is just not my calling. I am a more dedicated person. Will I be fated to be a spinster at the age of 21? I wouldn't be surprised, but as opposed to be resistant against my place in society, i've decided to embrace it. It's who I am. In the next few days I will be off to Italy. Even though I am a bit drunk as i'm writing this and as i look at downtown San Diego from my house, I know i'll miss this country. I'm very grateful for having met good gay friends. I never thought i'd do it. Micheal and Phillip are phenomenal and i'm glad to have gotten to know them better during this winter break. I guess a chapter in my life is ending, and a new one is about to open up. With a heavy heart, I am preparing to leave my old skin and to embrace brand new experiences that will blossom me to a new and unrecognizable human being. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
10:05 pm	Sorry, I had a momentary flash of compassion. Fortunately, it's passed. As a result of events that happened this weekend, all I can say is that Adrian's back. A few years ago I began entertaining the possibility of compassion, but that's over. When I'm done with most people, all they'll be left with is that proverbial wish that they'd never been born. What can I say, when God was passing out intelligence, most people were in the back of the line getting their nails done. I hope most people can get used to the fact that even the most perfect, sensitive guy is, bottom line, a dog. He might be a well-behaved dog, but he still howls at the moon and grabs the first leg he can get ahold of. That's why I encourage anyone I come across to keep their loved ones on short leashes, or i'll run them over =) (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 15th, 2006
10:55 am	Karma Is Karma a real phenomenon or is it just a mathematical certainty that what goes around will come around? Perhaps it's just logical: if you do horrible things, horrible things will happen to you. I can't be the one to answer the question, but as far as I can tell, last night was instant karma for me. On Friday night, I went out with Phillip and Michael. I smoked for the most part and Michael had a few hits as well (which later will have been the crucible of the night's undoing). After i was significantly intoxicated, Phillip, Steven and I talked about how we wanted to see each other's baby pictures. While we were talking, I noticed Phillip's cell phone laying right near me. Without anyone seeing, I picked it up and looked through his phonebook. I randomly picked out two names to memorize: Aaron Dusenberry and Bailey Mitchell. I put the cell phone down, and neither Phillip nor Steve recognized that I had gone through it. At that point, I belted that I really wanted to see baby pictures of Aaron Dusenberry and Bailey Mitchell. Phillip was perplexed. How did I know these people, why would I randomly say their names, and what connection could both those people have? Phillip began inquiring me as to why I had brought those people up. I never gave any definitive answer. I moved my shoulders and head in an indistinguishable manner and made sounds that could mean either Yes, No, or I don't know/Maybe. They kept asking me questions to figure it out. "Did you hook up with Bailey Mitchell? OMG YOU DID!!" Before long, they constructed this entire story. I didn't know anything about Bailey Mitchell or Aaron Dusenberry but I didn't need to know anything about them: Phillip and Steven were telling me everything I had to know. "How did you meet Bailey? OMG, YOU WORKED WITH HIM AT THE CLINIC!" "Did you guys date? WOW, YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU?" Without saying any distinguishable word at all, Steven and Phillip constructed this entire story, and connected the dots themselves. By the end of it, they had concluded that I had slept with over 500 men and had cheated on Bailey with Aaron and blah blah. The story was really quite interesting, I have to say. At the end of it all, however, I admitted that the only connection between Aaron Dusenberry and Bailey Mitchel was the fact that they were the first two people in his phonebook. I didn't know the guys at all! It was an exercise of how the human mind can make things up and draw conclusions on assumptions that aren't really certain to begin with. As the Italian adage goes, "Da cosa, nasce cose" meaning, from one thing, many other things are born. One assumption can breed countless others. Steven was surprised and shocked. At the end of it, however, he said it was brilliant. (which I respectfully concur). Michael and Phillip, however, had a different take on it. Apparently, Phillip had hooked up with one of those guys before, and when I brought it up, I reminded Michael of bad past memories. Because Michael becomes paranoid when he smokes, he was convinced and reminded of his boyfriend hooking up with that guy. Without even trying, I can fuck things up masterfully! The whole night, Michael was pissed and Phillip was depressed. I ruined the night for all of us. My karma didn't come until last night, however... The whole day i felt horribly for what I did and wasn't sure whether Michael or Phillip would ever talk to me again. For whatever that was worth, I was wrong. They invited me to a party that would later filter to the club/bar Numbers. I came to the party late, and it was filled with people. I was the only sober one there, it seemed. I was still carrying negative baggage, in the sense that I was still convinced Michael and Phillip hated me, but had invited me out only to be polite. Michael and Phillip's roommate, Matt, had accompanied them to the party. I am very attracted to Matt but never really got a chance to talk to him and get to know him: this night was supposed to be the night where that'd change. Before long, I had began drinking and I became horribly depressed. The bad feelings I had kept suppressed during the whole day rose to the surface of my conscious mind. The whole night I was a Debbie Downer. While everyone was having a great time, I just looked like something was the matter and I felt that I was disrupting everyone else's fun. Matt, whom I had wanted to get to know so much, had probably concluded I was a freak, not to mention all the other people I had met. Ironically, however, I wound up meeting Aaron Dusenberry at Numbers and we talked for a bit; he's a nice guy. Who knows what he thinks of me. All in all, I wound up leaving early (which undoubtedly made things even MORE awkward by storming out), and I went home. I was still depressed when I closed my eyes and drifted off to the imaginary land of Elysium in dreamland. I had disrupted Michael and Phillip's night before, and because of that, my Saturday night was ruined. Was that divine retribution for my careless actions the night before? Who's to know... All I can say now is that all the people I met at the party/bar think I'm a weirdo and I'm sure wouldn't want to talk to me again. If there is a king of awkwardness, I am surely he! If any situation can be made awkward, I can be the person to do it. Man, what has happened to me...? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
7:59 pm	Good news This vacation has been surprisingly great. I've been hanging out a lot with a guy i used to date, Michael, and his current boyfriend. They've taken me to every gay bar/club more or less in san diego and i've had the opportunity to meet a lot of great people. They are such good people, as well. They take care of me so well when i'm trashed and are really good-hearted. I feel very happy that i've had a chance to spend time with them. Other good news is that i'll be going to Italy a month before I go to Germany. That means, in exacly 2 weeks, i'll begin my trip to Europe. I'm very excited; i wasn't sure whether or not my father would be able to finance that, but it looks like he will be!! I'm so happy, i've missed Italy a lot. The sad part, however, will be that i'll be away from the United States until late July/ Early August. I'm going to miss my animals, family, and friends. I think, however, that it's about time this little bird explore other types of nests in the world. It looks like 2006 will be a great year, afterall! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
4:21 pm	People really scare me My mother is really stupid. I just heard her say as she was leaving her room, "that's what happens when you go to a liberal arts school...". What she was talking about is Marijuana and my advocacy of it. She, like so many ignorant Americans, think that once someone tries Marijuana or even occasionally uses it they will have a life that will likely to go down the drain. Geez, what stupidity! So many think that Marijuana is a "gateway drug." First off, I can't stand soundbites, but what is more of substance is that there is no evidence that links marijuana with causing the use of other drugs. It is confirmed that people who do use hard drugs have used Marijuana, but there is no corroboration (and none will ever be found because it is not true), that there is something in Marijuana that inherently causes people to use other drugs. The reason why Hemp may possibly seem to lead to other drugs is because people who use marijuana have access to purchase the harder drugs. Also, Cannabis is more widely used than any other "hard drug". So, the reason why it may seem that it is a gateway drug has more to do with the fact that people that do use it have easier access to the other drugs. Once again, I say there is NOTHING in marijuana that chemically causes people to use other drugs. Period. Also, people say that the TCH found in Weed alters brain chemistry. Well, TCH is found in MANY FDA approved pharmaceutical drugs. Tetracycline hydrochloride (TCH) is an antibiotic drug. There is no question that TCH alters brain chemistry, but again, that doesn't make it INHERENTLY bad. For, if that logic was exercised, people couldn't use many drugs found on the market. People also say that there is a potential danger of becoming addicted to Marijuana. Cannabis is NOT chemically addictive. People that do become addicted to it face that result because they have become EMOTIONALLY addicted. Anything can be emotionally addictive: people can be addicted to drinking purified water everyday or spending time with their significant other. People that use things like Marijuana as a crutch for how they function in life is not evidence that there is something in the weed itself that causes addiction. It is only evidence of the user's emotional/mental challenges that cause them to become reliant. Americans seem to think as well that success in life and marijuana use cannot be reconciled. That is SO not the case. There are many well respected doctors, lawyers, politicians, journalists, college professors (the list continues) who recreationally use the drug. Just because someone has tried or continues using Cannabis doesn't necessarily mean they can't get a job and be good at what they do. I won't blast every allegation people use against Marijuana, but I do want to say, just because there are many misconceptions about the drug, I DO NOT advocate it's use by just anyone. I think people need to be responsible when they do it. They need to set limits for what they do and to abide by them; they need to stay in control of the situation. If they notice that they cannot have fun without the drug and that it somehow makes their life "more complete" when they use it, they should stop using it immediately. I do not dispute that Weed can be dangerous, but what I do dispute are the allegations that the drug is inherently evil. Evidence substantiates that Alcohol is by far more dangerous than Marijuana. The only reason that Cannabis isn't legalized is because it can't be regulated; growing weed is easy. Everyone knows that if Marijuana could be patented and regulated that it would be legalized and distributed by big business in a second. It's about money, not morals. When will people understand this fact? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
2:38 am	I've crossed another line. When i first allowed myself to try Cannaibs, the conditions that I drew were that I could only do it socially and that I would never buy any of my own. After yesterday, I crossed that line I had drawn. I haven't smoked it yet; I don't plan to smoke it for a while. I will consume it as often as I would make incense out of myrrh, that is to say, not very often and regularly modestly. I applied to The Urban Grind the other night. It is a coffee shop off of Park Blvd. and University Ave. in Hillcrest. I don't know whether or not i'll get the job because, fankly, my application was nothing but LIES, lol. The first claim I made was that I worked at the Cooler (a coffee shop on campus) for 4 months. That is a total lie, i've never worked there. Not to mention, the contact information doesn't exist nor does the name of the supervisor I put on there. Secondly, I referenced that I worked at a restaurant. Although that is true, I didn't really work there for as long as I had noted, nor was I really a server. The contact information I put on there was indeed true, however. I just hope they don't really call my former employer, because not only will they know that I have no experience, but that I am also a big fat liar. After last summer, I came to the realization that honesty is not necessarily the best policy. If you want to get a job and have no experience in that field (and if you don't want to start from the bottom), the only choice you have is to lie. I feel no remorse for what I did. If Urban Grind doesn't work, i'll apply to Blockbuster in PB (there are A LOT of hot guys that go in there), and lastly I will try for this one job I found in the classifieds that asked for someone who was able to speak Spanish, French, and German. I speak Spanish and German, but I don't speak French. Moreover, I'm not exacly sure what the job is, but I think it has something to do with desk work. If I have no other options, i'll try for that one. I'm kinda dating this one guy right now. I really don't know what to do. I'm very picky and would rather be alone than try and be with someone that just doesn't work with me. There are a few problems with him. First off, he's very young: he's 17. Now, although that is not that much younger than me, he's underage, and I suppose I could be prosecuted. That's a bit of a problem. Also, I hate to say this, but he's a bit overweight. The thing is, I can tell he's a very attractive guy; i've seen pictures of him when he was in shape, and he looks super hot. I wish I could get him to lose the weight, but I don't think that would very diplomatic. I once volunteered to go on a food diet with a guy I was dating and suggested that we go to the gym together daily to keep ourselves in shape and to help each other out. Personally, I think I went about it very diplomatically, but the guy was able to see past that and he got pissed off. I'm very good at pissing people off, and as i've recently found out, so is my younger brother. The past couple of days my brother's ex girlfriend has been doing crazy things on our property (i.e. putting dog shit on his car and writing CHEATER all across the hood of his car). It's in the Cavallini-Gardner's blood to piss people off even when we don't plan to do it. As far as how things will go with this guy, i'm not sure. I'll keep you all abreast. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
10:38 pm	Things not to do... Things not to do when you're high... Eat at a Japanese restaurant and demand a fortune cookie. Get ice cream at Cold Stone and while you notice you're creeping out the girl that works there, you try to ameliorate the situation by starting conversation and asking her when she gets off work. (that will no doubt creep her out even more). Tell your friend that he was meant to be a paid cock sucker when he grew up, not a college student. The best thing to do is not get high and go in public. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
7:39 pm	I AM DONE!!! The academic semester of Fall 2005 now belongs to the ages. I am now on vacation and another chapter in my life has ended; it is now history. In other news, I got my paper back from Berg and it turns out I got an A on it. I think it's hilarious. The one essay I did NOT try to write well actually got me an A. What a world we live in. How ironic is that? Anyway, it's vacation time. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
7:58 pm	So it's really coming to an end, eh? I just finished having a phenomenal study group tonight. We got a lot done. Everyone has theses and quotes to support their essay. I'm glad it was successful. I feel a bit forlorned, however. As I was bidding farewell to the last person in my study group, I was aroused with the reminder that I won't see any of them again until Fall 2006. I liked Berg's class; I think it was a good group of people. I suppose it's off to a new land, however, where I will meet new people and experience things which my mind has yet to comprehend. I sure would like to see how I will be in 9 months from now. The parting is not yet official, but I am beginning my goodbye to everyone. One Stocking paper, One extra credit painting, and one take home Final to go... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
8:07 pm	Classes are FINISHED! Within a few dozen hours, I will be done at oxy until Fall 2006. For the past few weeks, i've been looking forward to taking a holiday from my school, but tonight, as i was walking through the market place, I was overwhelmed with an uncanny sense of nostalgia. Can one be nostalgic about something that hasn't entered the past yet? Who knows. I just know, that, despite what i previously thought, I'm going to miss this place. 2 Finals and one painting to go... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
4:41 pm	Re: Thank you Dear God, In response to your thank you letter, I say, "You're quite welcome"! I love how you always remind me that i'm nothing but a pawn at your disposal. Anytime you'd like to use me to push your own agenda, even when your agenda conflicts with mine, I say, Go right ahead! I love when you use me then laugh at me when i've done my part. I'm sure y'all will keep me on this planet for a good while; I'm way too good to let go! Truly yours, Adrian Daniel Cavallini-Gardner (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
1:57 pm	Da sind wir dabei, das ist prima - Viva Colonia! Wir lieben das Leben, die Liebe und die Lust! Last night was GEIL! lol It was the end-of-the-semester party for our German conversation and we threw it at Undine's house off campus. Before we even began eating, we drank an entire bottle of Lambrusco and drank a few German beers. Undine then decided it was fit and proper for us to get some Jaegermester. Michael and I are the only other ones that are 21, so Undine drove me there and we picked it up. It was all over then... Everyone wound up getting super wasted, excluding Bryce and Becca, and we sang German songs as we delved deeper into our inebriated state. I don't really remember too much other than it was the best party i've been to all year. I drank WAY too much. Almost an entire bottle of wine, maybe 5 shots of Jaeger, and a beer. Only one person wound up throwing up: a freshman girl. Everyone else, however, was perfect. Da sind wir dabei, das ist prima - Viva Colonia! Wir lieben das Leben die Liebe und die Lust, wir glauben an den lieben Gott und haben auch immer Durst. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 2nd, 2005
5:08 pm	Mensch! Ich weiss nicht warum, ich so viel angst habe! I am very anxious right now, and I have no idea why. I think I have some kind of disorder that causes me to worry so much. Right now, I have tons of worries... First off, it has really hit me that i will be going to Germany in a few months. This won't be a vacation. I will be enrolled in university courses and be a real German student. There is no way that I am ready for that. I don't think my German is good enough to be able to read college level texts and write about them. Worst of all, I will not get a Studienkollege (aka German intensive course). Instead, I will move to Germany and the next day enroll in German courses. I think i'll be eaten alive. Even with a Studienkollege, I don't feel that I would be prepared. I spoke with Susan Popko (who reminded me how i've never been to any of the mandatory study abroad meetings this semester, also contributing to my anxiety), and she said, in quite a bitchy way, that if I want to go to Germany early--so that I can get adjusted, I will have to pay for it myself. As if...! I can tell she thinks i'm a lazy, flakey bastard. I have done no work for this study abroad thing, and she knows it. Well, hopefully i'll never have to deal with them again. Another thing i'm anxious about is my brother. Apparently, today's his birthday, and I just got word that he has testicular cancer. Or, that he at least MIGHT have it. There are too many diseases going on with the "private part area", and it's making me VERY scared. My best friend just found out she has Genital Herpes (the worst part, is she's only had sex with four men). Not to mention, a guy I used to date (but with whom i never had sex) just found out he's HIV+. These instances are making me so scared! I walk around and i see signs that says "All of us have AIDS!" (probably in reference to national AIDS day), and I can't stop but worry that I have AIDS, too. I hope I am not like my brother, friend, and ex...I hope that I don't have anything sexually wrong with me. I just get the feeling that I'm dying and that i'm diseased. I wish I could get over it, but I can't. I just have a ton of other things i'm worried about, but I shouldn't rant on about. These are the major ones: I'm not ready for abroad, and I might be sick. I hope my brain is just blowing things out of proportion. I hope i'm healthy as a horse and ready for Germany like none other. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
11:29 pm	When did i become such a loser? Now, the last thing I want to is to get comments back refuting everything I say about myself. In addition, I don't want this piece to evoke any sense of pathos to you, my reader. Instead, I am revealing how I am starting to see the fall of the Adriatic Empire. I haven't gotten an A in a long time. I hate Bs. I see them as "Aww, good try, but better luck next time." Despite what people may try and say, Bs are not good. They highlight your failures and your inability to have an argument that floats. You actually have to TRY to not do well to get anything loser than a B. I am listening to Mozart's 25th Symphony that he wrote when he was 16. It is actually one of my favorite symphonies. As a teenager, he wrote a great piece that rivals music written by seasoned musicians. I am 21 years old and I have produced nothing. Worst of all is that I am not even getting As anymore. I am seeing myself fall behind and seeing others go ahead of me. I don't understand what is wrong with my brain. I help others write papers and I see them do well. I am very happy that they were able to overcome their obstacles and produce something that can be considered great. I can't help but think about my failures, however. If i can help others, why can't I help myself? I hate grades. I don't think they say anything about a given person. They are a horrible proxy to measure a student's knowledge, desire to learn, or anything else about the student. Instead, all it measures is the student's ability to do what the professor asked of them. I hate being type-casted with other students because we get the same grade. There are students in my classes that get the same grades as I do, if not higher, and I know that there is NO WAY they are smarter than me. NO WAY! I don't want to sound pretentious, but just like I could acknowledge they have another skill at which they are more proficient than I, I can acknowledge they do not know more than I do on a given subject. Yet, they still get the same grade as I do. To an outsider looking at our transcript, we are the same person. It's no one else's fault I don't get high grades. It is my own fault and I accept that. My brain does not work the way it should. It is all over the place. I spoke with a professor today and he told me that my problem was that I jumped to conclusions prematurely. I suppose I have no problems analyzing a given subject, but making a conclusion about what the evidence could suggest is my fault. I've had that problem my whole life. My latest example is that I met a guy who was, in my opinion, VERY gay. I can't remember his name, I think it was Ryan. If you would paint a cartoon of a gay person, this guy would be it. It turns out, however, he is not gay. He is actually very close to dating my friend Danella. Apparently friends of mine have seen this guy and Danella very close to making out, which further emphasizes his heterosexuality. I suppose he must be, and it isn't like I like him. I just know a comrade when I see it. I guess my analysis of his gay idiosyncrasies weren't off, but I came to the wrong conclusion. Saying that he is absolutely gay is incorrect. I have to learn to not jump to huge generalizations. I have to learn that there are no absolutes. Things function more like a gradient scale. I have to learn to reconcile certain things with others. I hope I can overcome my loserish qualities but, who knows, maybe me making the conclusion i'm a loser is incorrect in itself. Maybe i'm not. I always knew that no matter what I knew, i truly knew nothing. But as I learn more, I understand even more deeply, that I truly KNOW NOTHING. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 24th, 2005
12:38 am	Back in San Diego I think it's very noteworthy to talk about a High that I experienced the day before today (otherwise known as yesterday). It was dreadfully frightening, and I definitely underwent an episode that revealed the dark side to mind-altering narcotics. This affair was quite unique; after smoking out with Tomas and after he left to the train station, i went down to the Market Place to eat some food. I had a hankering for processed foods, but in the midst of my High, i cajoled myself to eat food with some substance. I stood in the pasta line and awaited. This is when the High started taking a perturbing direction... I had an overwhelming feeling that the cook making my pasta was allowing my food to burn. He hated me. He looked right at me as my dinner was burning and gave me an arrogant and hatred-filled look. He knew I couldn't do anything about the fact that my food was burning and seemed to get pleasure from that. Then another woman that worked there saw me and began showing frustration that I was there. She started banging pans and was pissed off at me; she knew that I was the snitch and couldn't even stand being in my presence. I had a disquieting sensation that everyone in the Marketplace knew I was a snitch. I got my food and went outside to eat. At this point, I was aware that I might be paranoid, but I couldn't help my sensation. While eating, I had a horrible feeling that even though I was in the Marketplace, I really wasn't. Instead, I was in late 18th century New Orleans. I began consuming my dinner and I had a horrible stomach ache; I wanted to stop eating but the chicken in my pasta animated themselves and began to speak to me. They told me, "Please, don't let us go to waste. Eat us and convert us into energy!" I couldn't let the poor things die in vain; so, against my stomach's wishes, I ate them all. When leaving the marketplace, I saw Brett and a friend of hers. They were both doned in attire from the late 18th century; they both had furbelows (Bryce'll like that), and cute little hats from the period. Brett was wearing a green dress, whereas her friend was wearing a pink one. On my walk back to my dorm, an uncanny feeling overtook me. The trees became weeping willows, Cypress Tress, and Oaks all near a murky swamp land. The birds in the trees even metamorphosed to black Ravens and Crows with piercing yellow eyes staring at me as I walked underneath them. I felt like I was in "A Nightmare Before Christmas" or the "Pirates of the Carribean". At this point, I realized that I was under attack, but by whom i was not sure. There were only two people that could protect me: Dakota and Angela. I called both, but no one answered. As I opened up the main entrance in my dorm, I realized that I wasn't in my dorm at all, either. Instead, I was in an apartment building during the Edwardian Age (circa 1912) and that someone was waiting for me in my room. It was a man that would stab me in my chest as I entered. When I opened my room, there was no man, but there should've been one. Perhaps a remnant memory from a past life... I crawled into bed, and that's when the spirits began to show themselves to me. It appears I have 3 spirits that surround me at all times. I wasn't able to speak to the other two, but I did speak to the "ring leader". His name was Richard or Russell and he had a dark mustache and was a bit heavy-set. He is the one who terrorizes my life the most, and he told me how much he hates me. He told me that before he kills me, he wants to kill my soul. He was very very scary. I began seeing many other spirits around me as well, and one of them I saw had a body shaped like the letter "C" with hands coming out of the bottom of his feet. I was very frightened and even though I knew I might be dreaming, I had no control. It was like being inside a dream; my subconscious had taken complete control and I was powerless to stop it. I suspect that I might've been sensitive enough to share the negative energy of the chickens that were slaughtered. As ridiculous as this may sound, I suspect that everything might have a "spirit" and that if the person or animal experiences a violent episode before they die, they leave behind residual energy. In other words, a ghost or haunting. I think the chickens might've been taking their revenge on me for eating them. Their last moments were violent, so they showed me violent moments. Perhaps we all can pick up on these messages, but we are too preoccupied to notice. Being High is great because I am able to see the world in a different way, but just like dreams, sometimes I have nightmares. Shortly after this episode, I passed out and didn't wake up for a few hours afterwards. I think I went through an affair similar to those that Romantic authors/poets (Romantic in the sense of the Romanticism movement) experienced. I saw them, too, Coleridge! In any case, I think I will take a break from weed for a while. That was a bit too much. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I'll keep y'all posted on what happens... BTW, if you made it this far, you're amazing. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 20th, 2005
2:47 pm	The Return of Brett Peterson Last night was a wonder. I smoked out with Tomas, then waltzed our way to the waltz. It was really trippy, but it was SO amazing. I love LIVE orchestral music! It was so ironic because earlier that night i was playing a whole bunch of waltzes on the piano. It was fantastic; the orchestra played Mozart's Sleigh Ride, Strauss' Blue Danube and Tales of Vienna Woods. They played the Merry Widow Waltz and even a few polkas. I am such a nerd, because nobody actually LIKES waltzes. They are just music to dance to and are not considered a "high form" of artistic music. I, on the other hand, like to listen to them in ordinary circumstances. Well, in any case, while i was there, I wound up seeing a guy that caught my eye. I thought at first "ah, he's cute" but then I realized that he looked familiar. "Perhaps a guy i went on a few dates with a few years back", I thought. However, there was something I couldn't put my finger on. I sat down and watched the couples dance and I became enamored with what I was seeing. Suddenly, however, I saw the man approach my line of site. Immediately when I saw him, he looked away as if masquerading the fact that he saw me. Shortly thereafter, he turned the girl whom he was dancing with around and started whispering in her ear. *I am watching this in my peripheral vision, mind you.* It seemed as if he was whispering in her ear about me, and describing my whereabouts. He then turned her around so that she could look at me. "HOLY SHIT", I thought. "What in gawd's name is Brett Peterson doing here!" I haven't seen him in years! Could this indeed be happening, or is this an effect from an overwhelming narcotic that has taken hostage of my abilities to decipher truth from fiction? The answer to that I never discovered. We wound up not talking to each other. After what i did a few years back, I didn't think it was my place to talk to him. He, however, seemed to be giving me every opportunity to go up to him, but I would not take it. I refused to yield my power to him once again. In any case, going to the waltz was great. I realized that I need to dance again. I did ballroom and swing dancing in high school, and I loved it. So, in order to assuage my desire to dance, I went to a salsa lesson today and it was wonderful. It's just so ironic that I saw Brett Peterson. Why would he be dancing waltz at Occidental College in LA? What is the writer of my life trying to be saying to me? Perhaps I am once again falling for someone that I cannot have; perhaps it's a foreshadowing for a devastating future event. In any case, it was not fun seeing him again. I want that hatchet to be buried deeply and to remain enshrouded for many more years to come. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:06 am	OM FUCKING GAWD!!! Now, it must be because i'm stoned, but you would just NOT believe who i saw at the waltz thing tonight. The love of my life, Brett Peterson. He saw me too and I know he did! It was way too awkward and I know that's why we didn't talk. Man, that is just SO random. I wanna talk more about the waltz and the images i got during it, but for now, i have too much energy and i need to roam (Comment on this)